Estate planning isn’t just about legal documents; it’s about providing peace of mind for everyone involved and preparing for life’s inevitable changes. As adult children, it’s essential to approach the topic with sensitivity, respect, and patience. Whether your parents are aging, facing health concerns, or simply beginning to think about the future, starting the conversation thoughtfully can help prevent misunderstandings and ease potential tensions. In part 1 of this guide, we’ll explore how to approach this topic with care and how to foster an open, supportive dialogue that honors your parents’ desires and legacy.
Starting the Conversation
Initiating a conversation about estate planning can be daunting. Discussing money in families can be a touchy subject and some parents worry about a loss of control. It’s important to choose the right moment and setting. Look for a quiet, comfortable environment where everyone feels at ease. Begin by expressing your concerns and emphasizing your desire to honor their wishes and protect their legacy.
Sometimes the question of estate planning arises after a health crisis or a family event where you notice your parents are starting to deteriorate or experiencing cognitive difficulties that may require support sooner rather than later. If you have siblings (and you have a good relationship with them) you may want to talk amongst yourselves to get different perspectives on what is happening. Then you can discuss setting a time and place to meet, preferably in a neutral environment, to talk to your parents. Leaving things to wait is not a wise move.
One way to open the door to conversations about estate planning is to tell your parents about your own planning efforts and the things you are taking into consideration. Asking them for their thoughts or input on what you are doing may be a good springboard to get them thinking about their own situation. You can also bring up anecdotal evidence of challenges your friends are facing in dealing with the consequences of a lack of estate planning or some aspects that were not addressed along the way. No one likes thinking about their mortality but it can be less confronting and easier to discuss common issues if you do so in terms of what a parent would like to see happen in the event of their passing.
Use Open-Ended Questions
The goal is not to talk “at” your parents but rather to encourage a positive dialogue and show your desire to be supportive (not controlling). You can do that by asking open-ended questions.
A list of 10 common questions for discussion is set out below. Again, it may be easier to set the discussion in the context of what you are doing yourself and then ask your parents what they have done.
- Have you thought about what you’d like to happen with your estate? How can we help ensure your wishes are respected?
- Do you have a lawyer, financial advisor, or accountant who handles your affairs? If so, can you provide their contact information?
- Do you have a current will? If so, who is the executor?
- Do you have an advance healthcare directive or living will?
- Have you designated a power of attorney for financial matters?
- Are all your beneficiary designations on accounts (e.g., pensions) and insurance policies up to date?
- Where do you keep important documents like passwords, deeds, titles, and account information?
- Do you have life insurance, long-term care insurance, or other policies? Where can we find these policies?
- Have you made any pre-arrangements for your funeral or burial? What are your preferences?
- Are there any outstanding debts or liabilities that I should be aware of? How do you plan to settle them?
This approach shows respect for their autonomy and opens the door for a constructive discussion.
Identify Key People to Involve
There are a number of key individuals who will play crucial roles in ensuring that your parents’ estate is managed according to their wishes. These people will help them navigate the complexities of estate planning. Their expertise and support is invaluable in putting a comprehensive estate plan in place. Some of key people who may be helpful are:
- Estate Planning Lawyer
- Financial Advisor
- Accountants and Tax Professionals (this is particularly important if there are cross-border assets involved or if capital gains tax is likely to be an issue)
- Family Doctors or healthcare professionals
- Social Workers
- Insurance brokers
- Business Partners (if applicable)
- Spiritual Advisors (if applicable)
- Family Members and Beneficiaries
It is helpful to identify people who are already in these roles or list some options for roles that need to be filled.
Starting these important conversations with your family and seeking professional advice can help tailor an estate plan that meets your family’s needs. A well-prepared estate plan is a gift to your loved ones, sparing them unnecessary stress and uncertainty during difficult times.
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Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as financial or legal advice. Consult with qualified professionals to create a personalized estate plan suitable for your specific circumstances.
